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How To: Pick up Men at Home Depot

09/28/2009

Step 1: buy something that a woman wouldn’t customarily buy, such as lumber or power tools.  To increase your odds of meeting a man, make sure that the item is almost too large for you to carry so that you have to struggle with it all around the store and out into the parking lot.

Step 2:  be dumb enough to have measured the length and width of the interior of your car but NOT the width of the opening of the trunk for purposes of bringing the item home.  Stand in the parking lot looking back and forth between item and trunk with a puzzled expression on your face.

Step 3: wear a sundress, preferably low-cut.

Ok, so clearly I was not going to Home Depot to pick up men.  And truthfully, I think this might only work if you are interested in retirees and day laborers.  But after my recent trip out there I was convinced that this would be a great strategy for any single ladies.  Perhaps during regular business hours isn’t the best time to visit though.

Last Thursday I went to pick out some more paint samples (I just cannot make a decision on the bedroom walls) and get a piece of plywood to make a new headboard.  I end up with a piece of wood that measured 6 1/2 feet by 4 feet which is about a foot taller than me and (thankfully) much wider.  It started at the register when every man in the line asked me if I needed help with it and asked me if I’d be able to get it in my car.  “Oh, of course,” I told them.  “I measured the car this morning.”  Then fast forward to me standing in front of my car and realizing the board is over a foot wider than the entrance to the trunk.  Several men stopped by, at this point, to see if I needed assistance.  A few over-stayed their welcome. 

Ultimately, I went back inside and asked an employee for help and before I knew it, the board was attached to the top of my roof with saran wrap.  Yes, saran wrap.  It’s actually a pretty genius way of doing this.  I was a bit worried that twine wouldn’t hold it but once we wrapped it multiple times with saran wrap through both sets of windows, it was clear the board wasn’t going anywhere.  Upon relaying this method of transport to a friend this weekend he appeared shocked that any employee at this particular Home Depot had helped me because they are apparently notorious for being incompetent and unhelpful.  I quickly explained my attire and that seemed to clear everything up.  I’d like to note that I didn’t choose this particular outfit for my Home Depot trip.  It was a hot day and I was just hanging out and running errands so I threw on a sundress.  And while I did not purposely wear a dress to get lumber at Home Depot, I think it was the right choice given how helpful the staff and complete strangers ended up being.  Food for thought.

One of these days I’ll transform that lumber into a headboard and give you the play-by-play.  Hopefully that will happen sooner rather than later since currently the gigantic board is taking up prime real estate leaning against a wall in our room.

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